I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
