Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
