ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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