i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
