I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
