At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
