Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's the barista slut.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
