yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
