I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
