Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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