I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Fuck appropriateness.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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