My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
