I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
