Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
It's Friday. Sex?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
