god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
