i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
