Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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