part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
