So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
