hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
3pm strippers are depressing
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
