just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
