Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
