my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
porn star boner night. come get it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
