just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
We smell like vodka and hangover
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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