When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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