what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
