I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
