I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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