she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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