but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
