So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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