So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
