I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
