I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I did not marry a roomba.
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