the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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