so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
