i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
