i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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