Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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