i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
