dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
the day after is always just damage control
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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