i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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