I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
