Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
