just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
