I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
