is your mom at the bar?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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