By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He shit in the fireplace
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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