btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
