did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
