all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
